Two Truths: All Lies.

I started writing this diary entry 9 months ago, but I never finished it until now. Most of it was written during sleepless cold nights when the feeling of loneliness and despair would sink in, and before the misty taste of moonshine would numb my senses.

Don’t Forget to Breathe

I have lived as much as my mum when she gave birth to me. My journey up until this moment has been taking on what life has to offer- to work my way through the options that are available and create unseen ones. Sometimes, I suffer from an existential crisis. I get lost in this actual existence and I try to imagine myself outside of my own body, picturing how life could be if I moved the pieces myself. Yes, it is not normal, It is called Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder.

I, sometimes, question my breathing pattern; what makes me human and whose idea it was to create the earth; and how everything else exists. If there is a balance, why are we all rushing to build houses, are we alone in this universe? Are we in someone else’s memory? Is there a life beyond? If there is, shouldn’t we know by now? Are we cultivating plants or are the plants cultivating us for themselves?

As much as possible, I try to keep my mind busy or else I will start wasting my brain juice solving scenarios I created myself, in my head and sometimes it gets complex.

Wonderland

I remembered the one time in 2012, I applied for the Mars One project, I so much want to leave this earth on a one-way trip and be part of a giant leap ambition in human kind history. Years later, I realized the whole thing was a perfectly orchestrated scam. This made me somewhat sad because I invested too much hope in the possibility of that mission, but none of that prepared me for the disappointment that I felt. I actually saw the flashing red light (maybe I mistook them for Zorya’s Red Amsterdam), I felt maybe I didn't know much to form an opinion.

Lately, I have realized that people will always choose themselves first and they will inherently work for their own self-preservation. Maybe a few of us are genuinely altruistic; nevertheless, I do not go about chasing the possibility of people responding to my kindness with the same energy. I have found out that people can break up with you for loving them too much, and you can do 99 good things and you will still get judged and scorned for the 1 bad thing you slipped and did.

Like Taylor Swift said, “Ghost from your past gonna jump right at you”.

August

Hope is a terrible thing. I do not know who package it as some good. It is a plague. August 2022 was a rollercoaster, the type where you give yourself hard knocks for being off guard for a few seconds after years of putting up a strong resistance on certain things. It took us down the sinker and we ended up swimming in oceans that eventually drifted us.

These days, I haven’t been sleeping, staying up, playing back myself and everything. I stare at the sun effortlessly, and can’t even look at the mirror to see my own reflection. Trauma, when understood, is my superpower.

Sparks Fly

Delicate beginning rush, I found love again, came in an email, and walked through the boardroom; I knew at that moment this was all that I wanted and I am going to do everything to make it work. Meeting you was pure kismet, really do not know how to explain it but you make me happy.

It's me, hi I‘m the problem.

Some months later, I am doing a bad job. This was supposed to be a masterpiece till I tore it all up. Went on a needless trip, flirted with a manipulative F33, and the blowback on my newfound love seems irreparable. Desperate people find faith, so now, I pray to Jesus too.

The road to redemption still looks scary and unsure, I do not know if recent occurrences will make her come back or o ti lo. You can’t beat a child and dictate how the child cries. Hey, I know I hurt you, and I made you second guess the idea of me but I wish you knew my intentions.

However, he who comes to equity must come with open arms. We cannot practice an eye for an eye, where is the love? Your acts and us, are parallel lines. I will just stay on the sideline and watch everything go on.

Truth is a burden; especially when you have to act blind or unaware for the sake of peace.

Trying My Best

Optimism and pessimism are both distortions of reality. To say that things will get better is something you do not know, to tell me my heart will heal is an empty fantasy, and though the sun will shine again, today my windows are splattered with rain.

I really do not know how this will go; I am anxious about the turnout of things. However, I do not want to assume an optimistic ending and reality gives me a stone-cold paycheck.

One thing I have learned is that there is good in goodbye.

P.S: All subheadings are song titles that I love xoxo 🙂