Everything We Love Goes Away.

This piece is not entirely about grief, but maybe a part of it. It is written primarily about my experience dealing with and surviving the thought of losing someone; situations, and some things that I have come to know and yet lose to death, disagreement, and destruction.

I have a shitty memory, and journaling, this way, helps me document occurrences and things I have experienced. Should this trigger you, I truly apologize in advance.

Losing Love: “For a moment, I knew cosmic love”

Whenever I had to think about the love I had lost, this Yoruba adage from Zeba truly encapsulates the whole episode. The adage goes, “Asese yan’le, bi teyin sile ki un pon e ni ri, ki odun o to yipo, won a f’enu ara won we t’eshin”. There is no time I think about this that I don’t smile because, as the adage predicted, that was exactly what happened.

One of my many flaws is that I do not know how to hate people I love. I might not talk to you due to differences in opinions or disagreement, but at no point do I hate you. Even when we fight, or I am so hurt, I will never throw hurtful and unprintable words at you just because I am hurt or so that you should feel hurt because I am hurt.

Surprisingly, this person was on the verge of ruining my own life with false accusations just because we fell out, only to come back after and say they were only joking and never meant the things they said.

“To Love, lose and still be kind”

During those periods before they retracted with an apology, I had to pay a considerable amount of money to get a legal representative, then sit on a long hour call with my friend to discuss if we should be offensive or defensive with our response while trying to insulate the people we know from the fallout. I have had a good run using legal means to get justice but I do not think that I will survive false allegations in this media age when my matter is tabled in the court of public opinion considering gender biases.

Like how are you thinking about hurting someone you once claimed you love just because you fell out with them? It makes me question a whole lot about whether you truly loved in the beginning. It was even crazy that I still stayed “friends” with this person after this until another erratic occurrence and I realized that there is no saving what is not there.

I saw posts on how they said they did and spent this for/on me, how other things with me unbearable and bare minimum. What an hurtful thing to say or even think. To even make the whole matter worse, insanely, I still care about them and truly hope they are happy wherever they are.

Losing Life: In Loving Memory of Ayomide Onikoyi

Grief is such a lonely emotion. It makes you disconnected and all alone. It is a place nobody knows until they get there.

This year, I lost a friend. Even though I only knew her for a short time, it felt like we had known each other in a past life. The closeness we shared made her loss deep and the void bigger, and it will take a lifetime to process. Due to the close nature of our relationship when she was still alive, I’ll be writing this section in a way that I’m writing to her, as opposed to a reader with her as a third person.

Ayomide, I remember the first day we had a conversation, how you waited for me and said we should talk more, and take long walks, and I told you not to get used to that because I might disappear the next day. You made me drop my “mysterious guy” and stop leaving the class immediately after the last lecture of the day. The happiness on your face, when we discovered our shared love for Taylor Swift and Isak Danielson’s music and Sidney Sheldon, was unforgettable — it felt like finding water in the wilderness. And I’ll never forget how you’d send me upbeat songs even when I asked for a “cool and calm” playlist!

Before I woke up, you sent a voice note, you are never ashamed to talk about your fears even when I wouldn’t even admit mine. You are never about yourself, no point, ever ready to say “Temidayo, what do you need help with?”. You would later follow me to an unplanned Award Night, take long walks at night, and spend the whole night designing a comms plan for the rebirth of your podcast? I wish we recorded the first episode before you left. I named the group “The Unserious Podcasters” because I feared we might not have time after exams if we did not start immediately. You were the bind that held a lot of things together, for me and many others that crossed paths with you.

Everyone thought I ran mad, the astonishing shock on my face when Victoria told me you died two hours after I called you. I cried from the road till I got home and no one knew what they could say to me or do. I do not have the right words to describe the feeling. For days, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep, every night I replayed all of your voice notes and wept till I had no more strength. Everything isn’t the same again and every time I look over at your seat, there is always a sudden wave of sadness that comes with it. How life has moved on but the thought of you still fills the room.

Losing Laughter: “Pages turned, bridges burned”

A true apology requires humility and acknowledging one’s wrongdoing. It’s not about saying “I’m sorry if you were offended,” but rather taking full responsibility for one’s actions and admitting imperfection. This contrasts with the insincere apologies that attempt to shift blame or minimize the offense. In essence, a genuine apology necessitates a humbling of the ego and a recognition of one’s flaws.

Nevertheless, as much as you are sincere, and humble and admit imperfection, apologies do not guarantee absolution. You give an apology in the hope, but not the expectation, that you will be forgiven. When you apologize, you set yourself up as deserving of punishment, which may be given or not.

This year, I have been on different sides of this divide. I have lost the warmth of some friendship, the cheers of some believers, and the innocence of some righteous. I let some friends down at the moment that they needed me, and I didn’t manage some other friendships well but everything that happened and how it happened, I hold no sentiments.

So far, one thing I have learned is that apologies are not a trifling passing thing. If done badly, they can end a relationship. Done well, they might even forge it.

Wages earned and lessons learned.

In the end, at long last, love has arrived, life has been reborn, and laughter rekindled.

Everything you lose is a step you take.

P.S: To you that sent me gifts anonymously even though we do not talk anymore, I truly appreciate it